


Wrong

by MycroftRH



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 03:36:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6888259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MycroftRH/pseuds/MycroftRH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The voice tells Jaina she's Wrong.  And she knows it's right.</p>
<p>(AFAB trans Light-Side!AU Ben Solo.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> I normally use the correct pronouns for characters even when I'm talking about them before they started using those pronouns, but I decided to do it differently this time. So Ben will be called "she" before he realises he's not a girl.

Once upon a time, a beautiful child was born to Leia Organa and Han Solo, and they called the child Jaina.  (Well, I say beautiful.  Honestly, all infants look pretty much the same.)

Jaina loved her uncle, Chewbacca, and her other uncle, Luke.  Chewbacca was warm, and soft, and Luke felt warm and soft in her head, even though he didn’t have fur.  Jaina spent as much time with them as she could, with Chewbacca carrying her on their shoulders and Luke summoning butterflies for her or swirling pebbles in the air for her to try and catch.

But a voice whispered to her in the night.  It told her that they didn’t really love her, that they would betray her, that she should betray them first.  It told her that the softness she felt from Luke was weakness.  It told her she was broken, and damaged, and would hurt them someday, even if she didn’t want to.  It told her she was Wrong.

Jaina loved hearing stories from her uncles.  She loved Chewbacca’s stories, from when they were young, so very very long ago that she could not imagine it in her little life.  She loved Luke’s stories, of a war that ended many years ago, of evil and three people who fought it back, of Ahsoka Tano and Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi.  She loved Obi-Wan the most - Ben, Luke always slipped into calling him - because she could feel through the stories that he felt warm and soft the same way her uncle Luke did.

The voice spoke to her in the darkness.  It told her more stories, it told her how the story of Anakin and Ben ended, of how Ben betrayed Anakin and almost killed him.

Jaina knew she was different from the other girls.  She didn’t want to play the same ways they did, or wear the same things they did.  She liked the boys more, but the boys didn’t want her.  Before long, the girls realised she was different, and they didn’t want her either.  And Chewbacca and Luke were busy so much of the time, fighting something far away, and Jaina was alone.

The voice told her why she was different.  It told her she was better than the others, that they couldn’t understand her.  But also that she wasn’t made right, that there was a crack at the center of her, that they could never like her because they knew she was born Wrong.

Jaina started getting angry.  The adults called it “throwing tantrums”.  When people tried to make her wear dresses, she’d scream.  When they tried to make her go with the girls during classes and games, she’d throw things and kick and hit.

The voice told her that was good, that would make them respect her.

Jaina’s tantrums started having Force behind them.  When she threw things, she didn’t have to touch them.  When she hit, it was with more strength than her little arms should hold.  She knew everyone was scared of her.  She knew she was bad, and Wrong.  But she was so angry.  They hated her, so she’d hate them back.

The voice was so proud of her, like no one else ever was anymore.

Her parents sent her away.  They were frightened of her, her own parents were frightened of her, Chewbacca loved her but she had to leave them too.  She left to a strange place, where she didn’t know anyone.

Except her uncle Luke.

She stayed in her room.  They tried to make her leave, and do things.  She wouldn’t.  She screamed back at them when they wouldn’t leave.  She wouldn’t talk to the other children.  She knew they would hate her.  She already hated them.

The voice hardly ever whispered to her, here.  It was quieter, like something was keeping it away.  But it didn’t have to say anything.  She already knew it was right.  She was broken, and angry, and the only way to keep the others from hurting her when they realised how Wrong she was was to attack them first.

After two weeks, Luke came to her door.  She didn’t let him in.  He sat down in front of the door.  She could feel him, through the door, feel how warm and soft he was, and she missed it so much.

He began to tell her stories.  He told her the stories she had loved the most, of old Ben Kenobi - when he wasn’t old, yet - Ben Kenobi who was as soft and warm as her uncle.

She came to sit by the door right on the other side from where her uncle was, letting his warmth soak through to where she sat.  They sat for hours.  She began to talk back - just little questions.  Where did he go next?  Why did he do that?  Why didn’t he just use the Force?

Finally, after the sun had set outside and the voices of the other children had quieted, Jaina opened her door.  She had been so, so cold, and her uncle was so warm, and she just wanted to feel his warmth from closer.  He hugged her, and pulled her into his warmth.  It felt so good, better than she had felt in so long, and she burrowed into his robes like Chewbacca’s fur.

“Why are you so angry, little one?”

“Because I’m Wrong, and they hate me.”

“Why are you wrong?”

“Because I am.  I don’t like what they do, and I don’t want to be what they are, and I - I hate my name, I do, and I don’t know why!”

Luke was silent for a while, holding her, and she found she was crying, and she didn’t know why she was doing that, either.

“What name would you like, youngling?”

She hadn’t thought about that before.  She hadn’t even realised, until just now, that she didn’t like the name she had.  But she thought, feeling almost dizzy from finally being warm after so long in the cold, and it made her think of the man from her uncle’s stories.

“Ben.  I think I like Ben.”

* * *

Luke did not make Ben wear dresses (everyone here wore tunics, most of the time, anyway).  Luke did not try to control how Ben played.  Ben started to spend time with the boys, and they were not like the boys at home.  They didn’t seem to know about hating people because they were different.

Ben still felt Wrong, but less so.  The voice still muttered and murmured in Ben’s dreams, but it was quiet, and Ben tried to ignore it.

One day, Ben sat on the rocks at the top of the hill over where all of them lived, and thought.  Ben thought for hours, from before sunrise until the last birds began to quiet at night.  Then Ben walked quietly, smoothly, down the hill.

“Uncle Luke?  I think I’m a boy.”

And he was Right.

* * *

(Many years later, Ben Solo went out into the world to fight the darkness.  The voice screamed at him, louder than it had ever spoken before, raged and howled and told him horrible things.  But that didn’t matter, because the voice was Wrong.)

**Author's Note:**

> This is also on my Star Wars trans headcanon blog, onlytheforceisbinary, here: http://onlytheforceisbinary.tumblr.com/post/144525065159/can-we-do-afab-light-side-au-ben-solo-he-never


End file.
